ghostwings

マンガで観たあの世界、その中で暮らしたい

1. There's a difference between wanting to not exist and saying that you want to not exist. Most people are lucky enough that they don't really know this difference, but you know, and you know that I know. Which is why I could tell you these things so frankly, because we could joke about things like ways to kill ourselves and yet know that we're also both deadly serious at the same time. Thank you for joking about it with me, and yet taking my words seriously at the same time. You helped me get through that first five minutes, and the five minutes after that, and the ones after that. By the end of the day I was just glad that you were there, and that we're both here so that we could talk about these things.

2. I have a habit of googling myself (and other people I know). During one of my self-googling moments I encountered a person who seems to have read my zine, and really liked it. It was more than that - she seemed to be writing about me in the way I used to write about Francesca Lia Block. Her post made me uncomfortable and a little scared, not because a stranger was talking about me and had photos of me or whatever - I couldn't care less about that really - but because if she looked up to me then I feel like I have to live up to that ideal that she has. I have received e-mails and letters before, not a lot, very few really, but people have said things like "you've changed my life", and "I had the courage to live because of you", things like this, and I think, what are they doing, saying these things to me, when my own life is a complete mess? All I write about is about the fact that my life is a mess. And I feel like I have to take on this responsibility, (of taking care of myself, of how I conduct myself, and making sure that I live up to my own ideals) because I have to learn to be the person that these people were talking about. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense to anyone reading (assuming anyone is reading) but this is how I feel.

3. I guess I've had a lot of things to think about today. My favourite poet, Aida Mitsuo, had written that sometimes you have to cry out loud, that you have to empty yourself of all your tears before you could learn to smile again, but I wonder, what if the problem is that you're empty inside, rather than full of tears? Because I feel that way, sometimes, like I am not really sad, I'm just tired of living. I suppose Aida Mitsuo probably has an answer to that, too, but I haven't read it yet.

etc.

i included this in Super Fairy Animal #14